So my husband and I rarely get date nights. We are so busy and so are any family in the area. We don't like to inconvenience our family members, so the timing for date night has to be just right.
This weekend the stars aligned (almost) perfectly and we were able to go out to see a movie.
We had both seen previews for the new Ryan Gosling (the cutest baby goose I've ever seen) vehicle, Drive. It purports to be an action packed flick with throwback vibes of the 80s. The previews are full of chase scenes and Gosling looking intense. We thought it would be the perfect date night flick.
SUPER SPOILERS ABOUND, SO IF YOU PLAN TO SEE DRIVE, GO AWAY NOW. HERE'S A LINK TO LOLCATS.
The beginning was promising, but I should have read the foreshadowing better. Gosling's character (Does he have a name? I don't know and the movie never made me care.) talks menacingly on the phone and then picks up two people stealing some shit. He drives them away in a bland vehicle (coincidence?) but there are few "high speed" moments. The chase ends with him parking the car.
So after that Gosling runs into this chick, who is kinda cute and lives in his building, so yeah, they will probably do "it." Also she has a kid. Where there's a kid in a movie, there's baby daddy drama. Yep. Her husband is alive, in jail, and due to get out. Then we have lots of long shots of Los Angeles, lots of scenes of Gosling driving around with some sort of smirk on his face, while wearing his scorpion jacket. Through all of these long shots there is some faux 80s music playing, but that is about it.
I keep thinking when ole baby daddy gets out of jail there will be a fight. Nope. Gosling just fixes something, and Irene touches her lip and hair, and baby daddy gets all passive aggressive.
Scorpion Jacket has a couple of "square" jobs, in addition to his slow parking to get robbers away (?). He's a stunt driver (wha?) and he works in a garage for Brian Cranston. Brian has a limp and talks slurry, so you know that he owes a gangsta some money. That gangsta happens to be HellBoy. He is mean. He should die. (Spoiler: he does.)
So, a whole bunch of nothing happens while Gosling smirks ("Hey, they're paying me for this shit."), and Jason and I can't eat our candy because it is so quiet in the theatre, which is weird for an "action" movie.
Then someone picks on Irene's baby daddy, and since the Gos still wants Irene, he gets all sad. He agrees to help baby daddy out with some crime, and in the process of this crime we meet another non-character. Hey who's that lady? If you said she is one of the best new actresses in a few years, you would be right. If you expected that her acting abilities would be used in this film, then you would be THE KING/QUEEN OF WRONG. She shows up. Her, the Gos, and baby daddy go to a pawn shop and rob it. Baby daddy dies. Blanche cries. The Gos drives and gets all pissed off. Someone comes and kills Blanche after she has advanced the plot for the Gos (good thing too, or else he would have never got out of that hotel room).
So. Then the Gos puts it all together, while smirking and pining for Irene, who is the most boring character I've ever seen.
"Oh, hi. I have blonde hair. I fidget with that hair. I touch my lower lip. I look longingly." Blech.
So the Gos gets all violent and stompy and tries to be all Scarface but not scarred. There is money. Brian Cranston is a two-face. That likable guy is not so likable. HellBoy dies. There's a mask. The money gets looked at. Some stabbing. Some bleeding. Ambiguous ending.
Hot pink credits over 80s music.
I get it. I know that this movie wanted to evoke the asethetics of Miami Vice with the gore of Scarface. I know that this movie is the hipster nod to the 80s that we've all been dying for. Great. But you know what would have been nice to put with all those long shots of the city and the Gos smirking? A fucking script.
"That's my husband's lawyer. He gets out in 2 weeks."
"Promise me she's safe."
That's all the fucking dialogue. That's it!!! I can only imagine that there are a thousand little brackets with scene descriptions and stage directions (Gos looks longingly out the window) and costume cues (Irene wears a cheesy gold necklace, a la Ringwold).
Save your 16 dollars and watch the previews. That's where most of the action is.
The soundtrack might be worth a listen, if you're into La Roux.